Sunday, October 11, 2009
Its been a very bad week for me. I am so upset that I am crying almost everyday in the shower, before I sleep and even once at work.
She's being hysterical again and we have not spoke for 1week or so. A lot of times I just to want to cry out loud, be a coward and just hide in Hubby's arms, ignoring the world outside me. But I know he probably feels as terrible as me and I have really been a big burden to him.
I even had thoughts of splitting up because I was so affected and stressed.
All I ever wanted was never riches, just a normal, simple and loving family. But each time, I am branded as
unfilial and a bad daughter because of money. In her eyes, I have never given her enough money, comfort and never does enough.
She counts and remembers every single cent that I have given and how much she had spent on me. She keeps in mind of the things that I have not done sometimes and forgets all the times when we did things for her.
Both her relationships failed, but yet this is what she is doing to me. It seems that she will only be happy if we remain single forever and give her every single cent we earn.
Yeah, my sis is now working and giving her the entire pay which is more than my $500 per month. But, I have a house and bills to pay for, commitments and expenditures etc. Why can't she think of these? Moreover now though I have more expenses (house installments, furniture, rings etc), I am still giving her the same amount and not less.
It seems like most good and wonderful things always happen to others and never to me. The best I have ever got is probably only my hubby. But yet, she is trying to take that away from me using any method she can.
I feel happy for Cammie now that Baby Isabelle has finally arrived to say hello to the world and Kristine is getting married next year. I sometimes wonder if I will ever get to be happy again...
Will the customary wedding really come? Will we have our own family? When will I ever be able to stop living in fear and get out of this cage?
I really have no answers for all these and I am feeling more and more tired each day. With each day passing, I drag my feet home as late as I can without exceeding the curfew. Bit by bit, I feel my courage slipping and wonder if I will one day succumb to her demands? I start to fear that Hubby might eventually get sick of these too and give up. I start to wonder if I am jinxed?
What have I done wrong exactly? Am I really such a terrible person that she says each time? I am really doubting myself each day. I feel like just hiding from the world and from everything else that stabs my heart each time. I felt so upset that I really thought of dying a few days back... Even as I type this, tears are gathering again.
Please free me from misery, sufferings and these
totures... I really had enough...
Brenbren at 2:30 AM
