Saturday, May 16, 2009
Its 42 days to the solemnisation and I should be feeling excited and nervous.
I was initially after trying the ROM dress and and getting my heels. But she's ruined everything again - the same old reasons, the same whole theory... I know and friends have told me not to get affected, but I really can't. She doesn't know or care how much she means to me exactly because her way of measuring me is only in monetary terms.
The part that upset me the most was that not only she said she will not go, she also said if people asked about her, just say she's dead... She would rather be treated as dead than to attend my important day. Saying she has already treated that she does not have a elder daughter and she will take it that she has never given birth to me before, stabs my heart.
I really feel like crying out loud, but I don't even have the heart and courage to. I should be immune by now, but it doesn't seem so. The cold war is still continuing with
sarcastic remarks made to me now and then. I am bleeding so badly but nothing can stop the pain and bleeding.
I am so sick and tired of the whole cycle throughout the years but it stills repeat year after year, time after time every few weeks/months. The wounds might heal, but the scar will forever remain and still torn apart each time the war starts.
I need courage, bravery and willpower to pull it through and I hope I can survive. How contradicting it is when my beloved gfs are even more concerned and happier for me compared to her. Thanks, my pretty babes for always being there for me.
Amanda/Clarity has called me during work and informed us that our rings are ready for collection. This has put a bit of excitement back into me though still not enough. Hope everything turns out nice and well.
I have really no mood now to choose the ring pillow, worry about the guest list etc. I feel my energy has been drained and I wanna take a short break. I feel like just bo chup everything and let it go cos I am really tired. Help me please...
Brenbren at 2:55 AM
