Sunday, January 18, 2009
I am physically and mentally sick (not in crazy that kind of sick)...
I had a very bad headache on Sat morning when I woke up for work. It was so bad that I puked once and had the runs twice in office. Though its better now, my shoulders ache like mad.
Luckily I was feeling better already after work cos I was meeting Ling and Michelle (stemaboat kakis) for steamboat buffet together with Hubby at Kallang MRT. I didn't eat much today compared to usual. Partly cos I had not fully recovered and I was not in a very good mood. We'll come to that later...
After lunch, we took a train to City Hall and walked through Citylink to Marina Square. Along the way, Michelle and Ling managed to get shoes from Charles & Keith but I couldn't find anything at all. I can't wear their heels cos of my giantic feet and heels are killers for me. Being so clumsy and big in size, I always feel my legs are giving way after a while. Shortly after reaching Marina Square, Ling and Michelle left first while me and Hubby continued shopping. Couldn't find anything I like, I am such a fussy shopper. Took a break at Andersens and had ice-cream, afterwhich we left for Hubby's place.
Ok, back to the bad mood thingy. While me and Hubby were at Kallang MRT waiting for Ling and Michelle, I was telling him about some stuff and halfway through, I was trying so hard to hold back my tears. I am feeling very upset over some issues and these have affected my mood badly.
I have always tried my best to treat people how I would like people to treat me and perhaps I haven't been doing enough or maybe too much of it. Of cos there are some people who are just plain pains in the ass or sickening, other than that I do whatever I can to keep peace most of the times. I suppose some people don't see it at all or feel it, some things which I have done in the dark to help, protect them in the past etc. Of cos, I have never asked for or expected anything in return becos they probably won't know it and its out of my own willingness. The very least, if I can request for, is to treat me fairly and consider my feelings/the situation I am in.
A lot of times, I have been stuck in sticky situations and I have always tried being a neutral party. Maybe I don't seem to appear that way or maybe they don't really know me that well afterall. Perhaps, I am just not good enough as a friend or perhaps I don't deserve friends?
Friends have always been an important of my life becos they're next to my family and Hubby. It hurts badly when you're betrayed, doubted and especially when it probably also affects my reputation. People whom I have held so close to my heart, whom I think of them whenever I have something to share or when I see nice things, whom I thought will understand me and standby me. I am greatly disappointed and hurt deeply. I don't know how long the scar will take to recover but I'm bleeding. As I am typing this, I am still holding back my tears.
I often question and ask myself why I am always treated this way, by family, by friends, by colleagues etc. I often wonder if I have been keeping quiet for too long and end up getting hurt myself, licking my own wounds and pretending like nothing has happened.
You're not me, please don't interpret me in your own way. Please be fair to me and understand that I have my reasons to do/say certain things and behave in certain ways. I am not as complicated as I seem, its your eyes/thinking which has been complicated.
I just want some peace now, a place to retreat to and where human hearts are not so complicated...
Brenbren at 1:59 AM
