Leo born on Friday the 13th
Mild tempered when not working
Lioness when workaholic mode on
Mrs Lim as of 28/06/2009!

A month from now will be my 26th birthday. It feels like I had just reached my mid-20s not long ago and now I'm gonna be in my late 20s soon. I used to feel excited when my birthday is approaching because it means National Day is coming soon = Public Holiday = Beautiful fireworks also. But now I feel, late 20s = biological clock ticking away = ageing = fine lines + wrinkles starting to creep their way through without me noticing.

Maybe its also because I have been busy at work, hardly enough time and energy to feel excited. I have loads of stuff to think about, plan and perhaps pushing myself too far and hard. I am also very tired, physically and mentally. At work, I have to deal with people's emotions, pressure and misc stuff. At home, its a ongoing war daily where there is never a single day of peace.

I suppose not many people really know what I'm going through or feeling because I am so used to smile and laugh to others. I am so used to putting up a strong front and when I do break down, people are surprised. They are used to Bren who is always smiling and laughing except for the frowning when I'm concentrating and the occasional swearing when I'm f**king pissed off. Sometimes I wonder, if they have forgotten I do have a fragile side of me too.

I ask myself sometimes what I have achieved so far? A good job? A good education? A stable relationship? Honestly, I suppose almost none of the above.

I slog for my job and though there might be rewards soon but I know its not something I'm not gonna do for very long, at least till my passion fades.

I'm only a diploma holder, friends around me of my age are mostly degree holders by now. To be honest, sometimes I envy them or even feel "small" compared to them. I suppose they have family who at least support them financially or mentally. While I do not have any of those at all. I feel left out and lost when they chat about what modules they are taking, when they're graduating etc. I wish I was one of them sometimes.

Though being together for 6 years, 2 weeks & 3 days and we are kindda stable in a way. I suppose until we really have our own home and get married, I will always feel lost and insecure. Maybe because I'm starting to feel tired, tired of waiting...

Nothing seems certain and I don't like this feeling. I am someone who likes everything to be planned nicely but I feel nothing is confirmed now. I am worried and panicky. I am unsure if we can afford all the expenses and bills, I do not know if we can pay our installments in future, I do not know how long more he intends to continue this kind of job routine. I guess I have said more than once and we have argued before about this, that I really, really dislike the uncertainty of his job. I know we both have passion for our jobs and though I work long hours too, but I have a fixed income monthly, I get bonus, I get paid leaves & MCs and CPF contribution. But for him, he's working so long hours that its affecting his sleep and health. No work = no income.

What if we need days off to prepare for our house, wedding etc? Then he will have to put his work on hold, there will be less income and his night job is already taking away the little time we can have at night. I don't want it to be when we get married in future, he starts work and I go to bed, when I wake up for work, he's going to sleep. But I suppose he probably thinks its ok we spend so little time together, that he's doing this for our future, that as long as we love each other, its enough... But sad & sorry to say, this is not what I want at all. I need/want/desire stability, I am afraid of uncertainties and I rather he has a stable, fixed monthly income. Maybe he's too used to the freedom of his job and doesn't wanna settle down for a desk-bound job, or maybe he doesn't wanna be tied down at all? All kinds of questions pop into my mind and I do not have an answer to them.

Maybe I'm being too negative, but these are my concerns. When I voice them out, he sometimes seems to feel irritated by it or brushes it off. It hurts and it sometimes leaves me tearing or crying to bed at night. I wonder why can't we sit down and have a good, serious heart-to-heart talk of our expectations and plans? Does he know and understand that sometimes all I want is a listening ear, someone to comfort me, take me in his arms and tell me everything's gonna be alright? I know we have budget constraints but somethings cannot be done/fixed within the budget, its just not simple/easy as that, there should always be allowances. Or maybe I'm wrong? I really don't know anymore...